Reminders of time gone by

I could have died. It doesn’t get more real, more in your face than that.

I don’t think about that very much. What would be the point? Lately, though, I seem to have constant reminders pointing me toward some unfinished business that I never even knew existed. It seems that when one is trying ones best to live, one must also give death its due.

I believe it is the Buddhists that believe that the best way to appreciate life is to meditate on your death. I have, quite uncharacteristically, not researched or looked into what that means or entails. It’s not that I’m not interested, I would be, could be, under different circumstances. It’s just too soon, too fresh … I could have died.

For you newbies, I am referring to my adventure with breast cancer, and more specifically, a bout I had with the common cold during chemotherapy. It frightened me, terrified me really, but I suspect that’s the beauty of it. Something so simple, so ordinary, can take our breath away, literally and figuratively, while our attention is focused elsewhere on seemingly more menacing matters. Frightening really, yet elegant all the same.

Lately the news seems rife with people succumbing to cancer. I’ve passed the phase where only breast cancer deaths catch my eye, now all cancer deaths chip away at my resolve, my fantasy that there is solid ground, no matter how distant, on the other side of this mire I have waded into. Right now, I detest the unknown, which is ludicrous in itself because all of life is an unknown. There is virtually no assurance of any continuance of existence, which brings me full circle to my point. I could have died.

Its silly really, since there are probably dozens of ‘could have died’ moments that have peppered my life without a second thought. I have a drivers license, so I’m sure there are some moments lurking there. I rode horses as a teenager and probably entrusted myself to a horse or two (or three) that wasn’t as stable or kind as he or she could have been, yet I’m still here. Swims in the ocean (shark!), plane, train and automobile trips, pre-dawn walks along sidewalk-less roads, life in general. There are dozens of airborne and self-inflicted illnesses that can befall a person, robbing you of tomorrow without a second thought, yet I ponder only the one.

In reality, I was far from death. Imagination amok, I was more frightened of the prospect of inching toward death than actually dying. I see death as somewhat of a one-way process, a road which embarked on does not often offer exits or a retracing of steps. At least that’s how I see it. Is it better to rail against the process, or march with dignity, head held high, and embrace the journey as the once-in-a-lifetime experience it is? I suppose that depends on the point on your lifeline that you happen to be jumping off at. Personally, I think I would prefer to fall right off the end of my palm, but that’s me.

Bookmark the permalink.


  1. You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually
    something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me.
    I’m looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the
    hang of it!

  2. Hi there, I enjoy reading through your article. I wanted to write a little comment to support you.

  3. This is very interesting, You are a very skilled blogger.
    I’ve joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your magnificent post.
    Also, I have shared your website in my social

  4. Hi to all, how is everything, I think every one is getting more from
    this site, and your views are fastidious designed for new viewers.

  5. I’ve been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any
    interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for
    me. Personally, if all webmasters and bloggers made good content as you did,
    the net will be a lot more useful than ever before.

  6. I really like reading through an article that can make people
    think. Also, thank you for allowing for me to comment!

  7. Appreciation to my father who stated to me on the topic of this web site, this blog is genuinely remarkable.

  8. I’m gone to inform my little brother, that he should also visit this web site
    on regular basis to obtain updated from most recent information.

  9. Good article. I absolutely love this site.
    Keep it up!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *