And so life rolls on. It has been three months since my last blog post (sorry about that). I’d like to say that all the reasons I told myself I wasn’t writing panned out, like finishing the novel I’ve been working on (I can’t seem to get the ending right) or that I want to stop seeing my life through the context of breast cancer, but the reality is that I’ve met with epic fails on both accounts. Just like B.B.C. (before breast cancer), work has taken over my life much akin to kudzu in the Southeast. I find myself reminiscing back to the lazy, hazy months of chemo, where life had clarity and perspective. Now, I’m on a small boat in roaring rapids wondering how to reach the shore.
Funny that the highlight of the last five years that I fall back on again and again is my year of breast cancer treatment. Can that really be my happy place? I was well rested, surrounded by love and had virtually no demands on my life. I had room to breath and space to find balance. Now, I’m lucky if I’m home early enough to have dinner before falling into bed, only to wake up a handful of hours later with my mind a-whir over the pace of the coming days. I know it is my fault, I have let my flotilla of bliss gradually slip away until I am now left with one dingy battling the rapids of life. So back I turn, rummaging through the memories of breast cancer diagnosis, treatment and survival, trying to recapture the recipe of how I managed it.
I’m not alone, I suspect, in the insanely busy category, yet to find quiet I have taken on yet another activity. I purchased a treadmill and took up running (or a loose definition thereof) several months ago. I find when my feet hit the treadmill, the outside world goes away. Maybe it is my yoga background and the concept that when you step on a yoga mat you leave your stuff behind. When I get on the treadmill, whether I’m walking or running, the rest of the world temporarily slips away and I’m left with nothing but the task at hand. Using the BitGym app definitely helps too. With guided runs, I am not left with my own thoughts for too long. Hill climbs and sprints pepper the workout, along with fun facts about whatever exotic destination I am traversing that morning. The redwoods in California, Mount Revelstoke National Park in British Columbia, downtown Chicago and Los Angeles, as well as Australia, Costa Rica, Germany and Italy, I’ve jogged through some interesting terrain in the comfort of my home. They are a blessed distraction, if only for a short while.
And of course the hammock. I have reacquainted myself with my trusty friend. A cool breeze and the twinkle of wind chimes complete the scene. The clouds have nothing to say today, no secrets to divulge, or maybe I’m out of practice on that front too. No matter, it will come back to me. I can feel it, the familiar calm rallying, begging for me to come home. The way seems clear, obvious really, but then again it always is.